What I Wanted to Say in Dragon Age 2
by LikeCrimsonBloodshed
Summary: Did you ever find events so INFURIATING that you wanted to speak to your party just as you are? Yeah, I did too.


**A/N: I'm lame. I just finished playing through Dragon Age 2...and I discovered just how much of an Origins man I really am. What follows are a collection of what I wish I could have said in the game.**

**Maybe you might find some frustrations of your own. I hope you enjoy it. Cheers! ;)**

* * *

_Anders and Carter Hawke stand across from each other inside the mage's Darktown clinic. The two gauge each other, each wanting to know if they can trust one another._

Anders: "It is a terrible life to be a mage, to be cast out. Sometimes, I...I don't even know what I am anymore."

_Carter Hawke starts to violently shake a few times, his body now possessed by the very frustrated gamer known as LikeCrimsonBloodshed._

Hawke: "Dude...seriously. What the **BLEEP** happened to you?"

_Anders is clearly taken aback._

Anders: "What...what are you talking about?"

Hawke: "You were a funny, sarcastic, fast-talking magical badass in 'Awakening.' When did you turn into such a whiny little BLEEP?"

Anders: "I...I...what?"

* * *

_The party runs along through Kirkwall and enters Viscount's Keep. Fenris takes this moment to issue a quip._

Fenris: "Ah, Viscount's Keep! Take a whiff, everyone! Smell the oppression!"

_Hawke stops dead in his tracks. LCB can't take it anymore._

Hawke: "Oh come off it, Tatoo Boy."

Fenris: "Hrm? What? What is it?"

_Hawke points up and down the elf._

Hawke: "I mean, long white hair, body tatoos, large sword. You sure you didn't take a wrong turn for a Final Fantasy franchise?"

_Fenris put his hands on his hips, a scowl forming._

Fenris: "Are you mocking me, Hawke? I would have thought you'd be better than everyone else. You're starting to sound like the Imperium."

Hawke: "Oh, for the love of the Maker!"

_LCB, as Hawke, begins prancing around mockingly._

Hawke: "Oh, look at me! I'm Fenris! I was a slave once but now I'm free! Allow me to** BLEEP** about being a slave even while being free!"

_Fenris, now fuming, amost yells._

Fenris: "You would complain too, Hawke, had you been what I went through! You have no idea!"

Hawke: "I just had to fight and kill the mutilated, animated corpse of my own mother."

_Fenris immediately looks contrite._

Fenris: "Oh...I...I don't-"

Hawke: "You're** BLEEP**ing right you don't."

* * *

_Isabela addresses LCB as they stand together in the Hanged Man pub in Lowtown._

Isabela: "I could use someone like you...if you're interested."

Hawke: "Hmm? What? Oh, sorry. I'm sure I'm meant to listen to what you say, but judging by the way you're desgined, Bioware really wants me to stare at your breasts."

Isabela: "Sigh...you and every other man everywhere."

Hawke: "Seriously, those things are scientifically disproportionate."

_Isabela is now taken aback._

Isabela: "I'm sorry...what?"

Hawke: "Are they, like, weighing you down? Do you often feel like you're falling forward?"

Isabela: "Um...well..."

Hawke: "And if you ever do fall forward, are they, like, airbags? Do you bounce back up?"

_Isabela rubs her arms awkwardly._

Isabela: "I don't like where this is going."

Hawke: "Me neither. Barkeep!"

* * *

_LCB, as Hawke, walks with his party into the Dalish camp with the mission of talking with Keeper Marethari about Merrill's Eluvian. But when they get to the Keeper, naturally, Merrill freezes up. LCB can't take it anymore._

Merrill: "Um...Um, I...well, I..."

Hawke: (turning to her) "Really? We walked all the way from Kirkwall to watch you freeze up? Again?"

Merrill: "Well...well"

Hawke: (turns to the Keeper) "Merrill would like to talk to you about her freaky mirror but she's too much of a chicken-**BLEEP** to do so."

Merrill: (alarmed) "But...but I..."

Hawke: "I had such hope for you, Merrill. I thought you were going to be my Romance. You're cute, but you are infuriating!"

_LCB then begins openly mocking._

Hawke: "It's called WORDS. USE THEM. Sheesh! In 'Origins,' I had Leliana! I had Morrigan!

_Hawke raises his fists to the sky._

Hawke: "WHERE ARE MY DECENT ROMANCE OPTIONS, BIOWARE?!"

_Isabela clears her throat._

Hawke: "THAT WON'T GIVE ME HERPES."

Anders clears his throat.

Hawke: "Even if I swung that way, you are way too whiny to be attractive. Is it too late to go gay for Varric?"

Varric: "Flattered, Hawke, but you're a little too tall for me."

Hawke: Alright,** BLEEP** you guys! If you need me, I'll be boning Felicia Day."

* * *

_LCB, playing as Hawke, stares out in horror as the Kirkwall Chantry disentegrates in a blinding flash of red light, laid deep inside the building by none other than Anders._

_Hawke wheels on Anders._

Hawke: "What. The. HELL?!"

Anders: "I removed the chance for compromise, because there is no compromise!"

Hawke: "I was WORKING with the Templars and mages. We were TALKING, Anders! Now we have no choice but to fight!"

_Hawke points at the wreckage behind them._

Hawke: "YOU** BLEEPING** BLEW UP CHURCH!"

Anders: "Now a solution has to be-"

Hawke: "YOU BLEW UP **BLEEPING** CHURCH!"

_Hawke buries his face in his hands and walks a few steps away._

Hawke: "Congrats on being Dragon Age's first terrorist, you **BLEEPING** idiot."

Anders: "I suppose you'll want to kill me now."

Hawke: "Oh, I would if I could, but I'm a warrior and you're the only one who knows Heal...which I predict I'm going to need a lot of soon."

_The sound of dozens of Templar blades being drawn causes Hawke to glumly turn around._

Hawke: "Very soon."


End file.
